Obviously, we’re living in a heavy moment. The weight isn’t uniform, though; it’s a mass of many kinds of fear and grief. One in particular has begged my attention over the past few months. It bore little language at first. Earlier this week, though, it wanted out — so I took to IG Live to share.
Many folks ask: what can men do to unlearn patriarchy? My answer isn’t cute, but it’s vital. In this video, I offer some reflections on my gender journey, and how (in part) I’ve evaded my own patriarchal behavior.
Some highlights:
“I always thought that fear and domination express themselves through rage, through outbursts, through physical violence. But when I think about the roles that I've taken on in many of my relationships, especially with men, I realize one of the reasons I default to silence is because of fear. Because if I say, ‘I don't want to talk about this,’ ‘You keep having the same problem,’ ‘I don't know what this has to do with me’ — at best, I'll be rejected, and at worst, I might get my head bashed in.”
“We all need someone to hold space for us. But ... trying to get rid of people's difficult feelings [can be] a tool of control. [I tell myself,] ‘If I listen and I hold space, everybody will work through all [their] difficult feelings, and there'll be no issues. There'll be no conflicts. There's nothing to worry about.’”
“I think women and nonbinary people and trans folks of all genders already understand this: committing to your life, and committing to the choices that make your life, means you have to be willing to face the fact that you will die eventually, one way or another. [I'm learning that] choosing freedom literally means choosing to commit to death. This moment, this administration is showing all of us: bitch, we were all gonna die anyway.”
“Even though transness is not a space I'm actually living in, I am better able to reckon with the man in me. I am better able to reckon with patriarchy because I realize the man in myself does not want to be avoided. The man in myself does not want to be evaded. The man in myself wants to be acknowledged as someone who is hurting — [as] someone who wants the same consideration that I have extended to other people. But with more boundaries, bitch!”
What kinds of grief are asking for your witness? I hope you find folks who can help you move (with) them this month. I’m excited to share further thoughts on this and related topics in a couple weeks. Until then, take courage!
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